Chains of morality and dogma

Psalm and Guruji

Psalm Isadora: The last time I saw Guruji at the ashram, I was brought to tears seeing how much pain he was in trying to get up and down from sitting. I knew that his body was in too much pain. I am happy his spirit is free now. In private conversations with me...he said that he wanted to be free to leave this earth, but that the Mother told him he had more work to do. He said he would complete that work and if She was kind, she would let him go. And then he said with a twinkle in his eye, "but we don't know if She is kind". He was a true mystic, he did not sugar coat God. Who knows there nature of God?
He used to laugh when people talked about enlightenment. "Does anyone here know?" He would ask the room full of people trying to get the answers from him. "We do not know enlightenment. We do know this life. Make Heaven on earth now, that is the message of Tantra", he would say. Get your head out of the clouds and look around you. Help each other. Be kind. Practice Love in all forms.
"The greatest thing holding back Humanity is Shame", he told me once.
And so I have made a life and career out of helping people dissolve shame to experience their full potential.
He is not lost. He is integrated inside of me, he lives in my heart now.
I remember after 3 years I heard that he was ill and I was sick with fear. I remember thinking I was terrified because I still hadn't learned what I needed to learn from him...which was not something I needed to learn in my mind but my heart. I needed to learn to let go of the past and my pain and step into my purpose and joy. I knew that I was afraid of him passing then for selfish reasons, I still needed him to stay and help me. I knew this was selfish because he was physically ill and suffering. But I was so afraid to be alone and still needed to hold his hand. In the past few years I healed and integrated those painful pieces inside of me, that small child still aching and afraid of never being loved, of never being accepted and whole.

In my last trip to India I realized I was whole. Not perfect ( I am still crazy) but I am whole. I found the peace I went searching for in India. There were many years of throwing myself in the fire to burn away dark karma and walking through the brothels of Calcutta felt like journeying to the underworld of my soul so I could emerge with my face to the sun. It was Guruji who suggested I work with prostitutes in Calcutta. I think he knew I needed to face those women to heal my own sexual abuse. He pointed the way, he held my hand and he made me grow up. That is a true guru.
A guru is like a parent...and a disciple is like a child. The child needs to hold the parents had until they learn to walk, then run. There are stages of baby, toddler, child, adolescent, teenager and finally grown adult. The disciple is meant to grow up and go out in the world to use the lessons and energy and grace and create a new life. I loved my guru, Sri Amritananda, because he never made me buy into a subservient or religious form of lineage. He told me to be free, he said that for a true tantric like me, "ADharma is Dharma"- no law is the law. I was already so tired of the chains of religion, morality and dogma from my own country that the last thing I wanted was more rules and more spiritual ego bullshit. He gave me freedom, he helped as a guide for me to remember who I am and the purpose my soul came to this planet to do.